Alone

I have good friends. I have a good family.

But I'm alone. I found ONE person I could open my heart to. It's not what THEY are, but what I am. I simply can't, it's against me. I feel so much pain. I feel so much anger. And I keep it all inside. It's a burden. Something hard to bear. And I can't open even to myself. I never manage to cry. It's so hard. I need something from outside to cry, to open. The last times have been thanks to a tv show. First, when I've seen their love. And I felt mine, clogged inside me. Then when it becomes clear he's dead. But when the sighs started I already knew, I wasn't crying for him. I was crying for myself. I'm dead without her. I have no meaning.

She is the one that allow me to open. TO take out what I have inside, to release the burden. TO speak my joy, passion, sadness and anger.

Without her I'm lost. I wish I could cry. It would mean I can be happy too. I would mean she is next to me.

Funny

I just noticed when I wrote my last post.

It was her birthday.

Tomorrow will be mines.

My 25th.

And there's no chance in the world it will be better than the last one.

Cause last year we still talked.

You were not near me. But we had our best moment. And we've never been closer than then.

I miss all that. I miss you...

Happy birthday me...

So long.

It's almost 6 in the morning.

I'm totally awake, on the couch of my first "my house".

I live by myself.

Not sponsorized by someone. Not in a program.

I'm living my life on my own.

I have a job, sure, part time. And it kinda sucks (could sure be worse) but it has good points.

I have friends. I think I do. I see people caring about me, sometimes I get surprised by how they behave towards me. Mostly I don't understand it.

I'm a weak person. And the bigger part of those who likes me, do so cause of my weakness.

But I wanna be stronger. My weakness isn't taking me anywhere.

Only, if I was to change, I'd lose them, they wouldn't recognize me anymore for what I am.

I don't like my life. I really care about just a few things. And about just a bunch of people.

I have no sense, no meaning. No reason.

But you.

You made my dreams come true.

You made my life meaningful.

You showed me the sense.

YOU are the one that I want.

I see you on cars.

I hear you in commercials and while I work, or at the mall.

You are everywhere, cause YOU are my life.

And even though I can act like I'm fine, even though I can try to keep going and pretend I'm over, I'm not.

I'll never be.

I'll never stop loving you.

I need you, cause you are the part of my life that is missing.

Not a whining, for once... just a confession.

Cause I simply have noone to talk. Cause YOU are the one that I trust more.

If I can't trust you, I can't trust noone.

And I have so much I wish I could tell you.

And I have so much I wish I could live with you.

And I have so much love I wish I could give you.

mi manchi Gaia.

Soooo

It's friday.
It's Friday AND your day off!
That's cool, it almost never happens to you to have Friday off!
AND it's her birthday!!!!
I mean, it's perfect, you could hang out, chat, have a nice time!
You could go make her a surprise and... Oh
Right.
She lives about 5000miles away. There's an ocean between you two. And, more than that, when you told her you'd have gladly gone to visit her, asked for days at work, bought the ticket... Well, she said she doesn't want you to.


I'll spend my day playing with the xbox. How will your day be?

I need caresses... I need hugs, and kisses. I need affection and care... I need to feel loved...

I so would need a hug right now... I so would need someone to really care...

I guess

I'll be found alone, in my apartment, slained by a dozen cats...
That's how ill end up...