Breakdown

And finally, after months... the breakdown.

Crying... Crying it all out...

I needed it...

I need you...

143

I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You.

omg

omg wow....really...

O.O

So? What i should think now?


Damn...


So far, from my lair, it's all.
Thanks for the attention

Illusion

i don't need other words...

I don't know

I really don't... it looks so obvious, so clear. Still I don't feel sure, I still fear I could be imagining it all.
She said it. Does she really mean it. Does she mean it the way I do, the way I want her to?
Or is it just a nice way to say she feels something for me.
It's so weird. She said the words I most wanted her to say. And still I'm here, wondering if I can finally be free to be happy...
I wish it to be true...

Again...

So here I am back.
Did you miss me?
Had a very bad period, not out of it yet actually. I really miss her. I really feel like I care about nothing... We started talking again, after a lot of time. We had a few chats a while ago, then for her birthday, as a "present" I mailed her my thoughts, the one I wrote down, or noted on my cellphone, during the past year.
Then we got to talk again, seriously this time. She liked that. She said things that gives me hope. and at the same time, nothing to be sure of.
She said next time I should say what I feel before that the person they are aimed to, leaves the country. She said that they reached her heart, and she loves the way I write. She said she would like to see me, and she miss me.
So many things she said.
So many she said before all this, and that meant nothing in the end. What should I expect this time?
She was sorry for the way she tried to close all this. and for how she reacted, and things she wrote me. And I can't be angry at her. But does this means something changed?

I really am scared by how happy she is to talk with me, how she act like if she was jealous, or sad when I have to leave.
Let not this be all dust, again...
Let not this be just me dreaming...
Please...

Motivation

So how do you tell the person you love, Who is trying to help you out of your tunnel of misery, that they Are the reason for you to be in it?
How do you answer when they ask you why you lack of motivation, and you know the reason is that you miss them too much to care about anything else?
When they ask you what you really can't do without, and the only answer you come up with is "You"...

To this one I actually answered honestly, even if I backed up right after...


So tired of this all...




So far, from my lair, it's all.
Thanks for the attention

2 years.

Just look at me, Im living proof, that time heals nothing!
Just look at me, Im living proof, that time heals nothing!

I've got these feelings, alive in my head
Don't listen to reason, they only see red
And I'm coming to get you, coming to get you
On the day I find you the sun will shine,
the birds will sing, everything will be right
I'm coming to get you, And I'm coming to get you




I miss you so much. I love you so much...

...ing

Writing, drawing, singing, working, thinking (too much), sleeping (never enough), dying (a little bit, inside, everyday)
Crying. All i wanna do.

Read and Shoot

Reeeeading...

Little introduction...

In January I joined a facebook group. It was called "Reading reading reading, first national experiment"

It has been thought by a 21 yo guy, who asked everyone who wanted to, to go around, on the 26th of march carrying a book he liked, any book, and gifting it to a total stranger, a someone they never talked to before.

It had more than one reason, for this "dare" and I liked them all, and I liked the idea on itself. So I accepted and for 2 months I went on, starting to feel anxious cause I didn't know what book to give, how to choose my target, if to write something to let my stranger know what was it about...

Still the time has passed and my 26 of march has arrived... and this is in short how it went:

I wake up early, excited about this "different" day.

I pick up everything to go to work, make sure I have my book with me and I leave.

I start examinating people everywhere, the guy with the mean expression, the young girl talking at the phone, the man reading a newspaper, trying to find my stranger.

This goes on on the train, on the subway and on the bus, all the way to my workplace, but I can't seem to find anyone deserving my small present.

And I keep checking the facebook page every once in a while, reading comments from hundreds of people, talking about their experience, the faces of their strangers, the anxiety...

Then closing time arrives, and I leave starting back my research, striving to find "him-her". Still on my way back noone has the face I'm looking for, and I begin to think I will have to surrender and just give in, gifting my book to the "first" one who walks by...

So, after the whole day spent looking for the "right one", on the train, it seems to me that a young woman is wiping her face from tears... I can be wrong, but I think "It's her".

So I sit down not far from her, and fate wants she leaves the train at my same stop.

Her father welcomes her and greet her, she's going to graduate next week.

I reach for her, touch her shoulder... "Hey, excuse me, do we know each other?"

She answer, seeming pretty sure about that:"No!"

"So you are a total stranger to me, right?"

"Absolutely!" she says, even more convinced than before.

"Perfect! In this case I'm gifting you this" - "What's that???" (O___o) - "A book!!! (=D), and with that I turned and left.

I heard her saying thanks a few times, and giggles amused by what had happened.

And while walking away, me legs were shaking for the emotion :D

AWESOME!

SHOOOOOOOOOT!

Finally we did it!

Woke up "early" and started gathering everything I needed, the kimono, my straw hat, chopsticks, laptop, mirror.

Filippo joins me at 11 in the morning, and helps me finding the last stuff we could need, then off we go.

We park the car and walk our way to the river, of course taking the wrong direction. But we found a way to enjoy that too, since we discovered we were to LVL 1 commoners in a MMORPG, leaving the first "safe" town.

Me wearing a black leather jacket being the Tank (lol of course) bringing most of the stuff, since I had a higher constituin. Him being the shoother, was the mage, low hp and constitution and a really light equip xD. We kept talking that way all time, pointing at hp and mana potion while seeing empy bottle on the ground, supposing they belonged to random noobs trying to fight mobs bigger than themselves, avoiding to cross the bridge bringing to the highway cause that was an aggro area with boss monsters and staying far from the water cause none of us had the "swimming" skill yet.

Once we found a good spot, close to the orcish altar (a strange construction, rusted and worn out) I started dressing up, tied the katana to my kimono belt and wore the straw hat while Filippo built up all his photographic stuff. We shooted for a good 2 hours, with some resting stops, location changes, and funny looks from people walking by (gladly we found a "no kill" zone, (no, i'm not kidding, we REALLY found a "No kill" sign under which we promptly stopped) cause they were clearly pvp groups).

At the end of the session we picked up our stuff and ordered some pizza by phone, went home and started checking the pics while eating. Then last session in a different location, near a soccer field (that brought so many more funny looks xD) to close our first shooting with a very nice pic (probably the one I like most)...

In the end very nice and funny experience, that I hope I'll get to repeat soon, maybe with better gear and costumes :D

News

There actually are some now. I'm officially back into unemployed lines since saturday. Still working for now, but contract is over. I don't know if taking some "rest" period or go back looking, right now so as soon as the lay me, I have a soft landing...
Whatever. Choir is great, doing some Monteverdi stuff and having fun. Same as above with the band even if we re really going slowly. Just added Freak on a leash to our tracklist.

I really should deal with my "help" issue, looks like I can't ask for help, especially when I really need it. The more a thing is important, the more I hate asking others to help me with it.
So starting with stupid things, like quests on DOMO, going to asking my parents for money, til my real problem. The fact I'm so depressed that while I drive I sometimes think about speeding down a hill or against a wall...
The fact I feel my life is totally empty and I should at least talk about it with someone. But everyone already has it's problem, why should I dump mine on them too? It would be unfair and if on some level I can deal with the problem myself (I quest alone, or I just avoid to spend money) on the upper one, there's noone who can help. So why should I bother others?
So my final solution is to come here and whine, but it doesn't work out well...

So empty...

So far, from my lair, it's all.
Thanks for the attention
TanCrow

AAARGH

Goddamnit... Yesterday my train was 20' late.
This morning I arrived at my destination with 180' of delay and the train I caught was already 30'late. This evening the train is 20'late and in the section I'm in, there's no light, no AC so its freezing cold.
Tomorrow they're gonna be' on strike for the third time in less than 2 months.
This morning an old lady answered to someone Who said "I've never seen something like this"... What she said? "I did, in war time"


IN FUCKING WAR TIME DAMN!!!!!
it's ridicolous!
i pay 75 freaking euro every damn month!

Unbelievable...

So far, from my lair, it's all.
Thanks for the attention
TanCrow

How can that be

How, can just a picture hurt me so much?
I feel so sad... I miss you, but I can't reach you. I can't do that to myself again.
She posted a new profile pic on facebook. And even if everyone is "like"ing it, or saying "you look shining" I can see sadness in her "happy eyes"... and it tears me inside. I didn't wanted to see her... not that way. I wanna convince myself at least she's happy... if I'm not, maybe she is. Damn... And now all I'd do would be to contact her, ask what's wrong, try to be at her side. But I can't...
CAZZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

News... There are none.

So, a small break aaaand back I am.
Life is strange... A week has gone and nothing changed. I still feel like shit but whatever... Work is fine, a few strange days due to power loss, alarms going off, things like that. I bought two new Heinlein books and The Hitchhiker guide to the galaxy, a new laptop headset, afantasy sword for the photoshoot session with my friends, a few comics... Yes, shopping spree!!! And started playing DoMo, seems to be interesting so far, we'll see on the long run...
I want to travel!!!!!!! Meh.


So far, from my lair, it's all.
Thanks for the attention
TanCrow

Damn

I want to cry... I need to cry...

From u, coming kicks... (yes, it has a hidden meaning.)

Damn it... after months without hearing I come back from the bathroom and there she is, in the small little Google chat... "Care to talk?"

Did we? I mean, was that really talking? Or we just blablablaed about stuff? Did something change? Yeah right, thank you for being so sweet, were your facebook status aimed at me... and then what? Just wanted to know that? Could have kept your Mac shut for today then...
Oh I know, I wasn't really talking myself, but it wasn't me asking it.
Oh right "You know I'm not home anymore, don't you?"
No thanks, didn't know that! Didn't knew a damn thing about you since then. What you want me to? Ask where you are, what you are doing? WHY? Like, nothing happened? WHY?
I want to be like you guys, not expecting anything, not asking questions...
FUCK THAT SHIT! I do expect things, and get fucking hurt when they fail!
I don't ask because I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO BE HURT BY THE ANSWER!
Is that fucking difficult to get? Where are you, back there??? Good for you, that means I won't see you for maybe years GRRRRREEEEEEAT!!!
Well that's a nice thing to know, thanks a lot for popping out telling me!
You are somewhere else? Same as above.

I'd really like to know what the hell was that about.
But I'm not expecting to discover it.

Still dark

Back!

So V day is gone, not that I really cared about it. Ordinary day, as it has been for the last...22 years? (ok last year has not, only exception).
I have some good ideas for a new photoshoot, I'll need to get some stuff from the old Bay! Free shipping rocks!

So many things I'd like to do, but even having all this time doesn't make me do them! What's wrong with me?
I really don't know... I feel sometimes like I don't care about anything at all, then I got 1000 things in mind, but still I end up spending all my time on facebook or wandering around the web. And the worst thing is that I don't even enjoy it! I'm bored but I just hang there, like a fucking dork... Sheesh... I'm really a whiner, nothing ever satisfy me doesn't it?

Hey! Check the drawings in the last blog I added to my profile! Awesome stuff, whoever you are, if you did them, dude you are amazing!

I miss my sunshine. Love you.

So far, from my lair, it's all.
Thanks for the attention
TanCrow

◕‿◕

So yesterday I was deciding how to spend all my freetime at work. I looked up my shelves for something still unread, a few options came out, and the English copy of The cat who walks through walls, by Heinlein, was the one that won the competition. Just out of curiosity I read the first two, TWO pages. I had to put it down, one more, and I would have been reading all night. He's amazing. I have not been reading for months, I know, Im ashamed of myself too, and now a few of his lines have been able to bring me back to my oldest passion!

So now there I am, reading this first chapter and a situation occurs. And there I was all: "Wow, that it's pretty cool, I could actually use that base situation to evolve it in a different twisted way you won't imagine!"
Just the page after showed one of the character joking about their real situation and how would it be obvious and cliche if things ended up...: exactly how I have thought!
I was amazed! I mean, I love this author since reading his first book so I should not be surprised. But hell, he died many years ago, and he still is thousand years in front of me.
He's a damn genius! If there's such thing as an afterdeath, I guess he would be the first one I'd love to meet. And after him I would be satisfied!!!

All heil Heinlein!


Now I'm back to my book!



So far, from my lair, it's all.
Thanks for the attention
TanCrow

Round and round

Well. A good friend is leaving. Long time since I last saw him, more than a year... And this will probably the amount of time before we get to meet again...Hope not! Good luck mate! See you in Australia!

A cousin is comin over in June, from Canada. And a friend from Lousiana, if her bro get to be free from school in time! Lot of people traveling, I'd say!

Weird. It was me that one, before. Miss that!
Whatever, I'll just take what I get and keep going with the flow.
I miss my starshine too. It's hard without her light, knowing I probably won't see it anymore...

Today not really inspired, no drawing, no writing... The lazy me has won once again, but I feel hopeful for tomorrow!
So I wish you all a wonderful day, or night, and start to get ready to hop down the train.

Choir

This was my second choir lesson after a break of what... 3 years almost? And damn, FEELS GOOD. I love music, I love singing, and I love to know I'm part of something great! That's one of the good sides of my life lately. I'm back writing (not just this blog, also my short stories, I'll be' uploading the last one in a few day) and I love that too, I feel creative! And drawing too! Yeah yeah, way to spend my time at work, right??? =D
Today, at the same time I'm happy and more melanconic than any other day in the last while. I guess I'm entering my blue period... WOOOT (sarcmarc)


So far, from my lair, it's all.
Thanks for the attention
TanCrow

How to ruin a blog

Back on train, back with my thoughts. Back to the same question bugging me since a while. Why do I have to keep going? I wake up, I go to work, I come back home, I go to sleep. Sometime I get to change the routine, spending some time with my friends, and then back again. Still this has no meaning at all to me. Not that being unemployed was better, of course. At least now I'm a bit useful to society instead of being a lazy nerdish slug, and I can live with my parents without that guilty atmosphere permeating the air a few weeks ago. Still I keep on asking it myself. My social life is almost unexistant. I don't have a girlfriend, and never had (not counting a 2 months story that was done even before starting).
I'm in love since march 2008 with a woman that told me both that I would be the perfect one and that basically she doesn't want me to love her (if those two things could actually mean something together but hey, it's not me saying it!).
She was the only thing I cared about. And no, I'm not being the poor broken hearted guy, I'm just saying that I never liked life before, when she was there I was finally happy to see a day go, because I would have gotten to see her the one after. Because she made my life interesting when she entered it. And when she left it it went back as it was before, or worse, with the sensation that the only good thing was gone, and did not wan to ever come back. So what now. I'm not saying I want to suicide, that period is long gone. I simply don't care about my life, should someone say "You are going to die in a moment" my answer would be something like a plain "Ok".


I know, I'm being a whiner, but this was one of the reason I wanted this blog for. I do have friends, I'm thankful for that. Pretty much all my close relatives are alive, and I'm thankful for that too. But i've got noone I feel like saying this kind of thing, and they were getting heavy on my shoulders. Hopefully, next blog-posts have a lighter tone. At least the worse subject is alredy gone, now I can talk about something more interesting^^

Here I am

Well then! Here I am!

Once again I would add, since this should be like my... third? blog. I think so, at least I don't remember if I had more.
I just hope this will be different, since the reason I started it are.
Well I'm too, and also the things I want to share.
Basically I just want to feel free to talk, to say what I feel, what happens in my life.
I know a lot of people would not care, in real life too, so I just write it here, thinking someone will.
If not, whatever... I'll just have my chance to take something out of my chest, and since the other blog I had were related to my persona, I never really let out anything, too many people who knew me.
So this is one of the major thing. I'll talk about myself, but I'll never say who I am. I'll talk about my passions. I'll tak about what I hate and what happens in my life. But I won't go into details about myself, no pictures, no facebook details and stuff. Guess I'm just looking for some anonimity (is this the right word? don't know, if it isn't feel free to correct me, being of a mothertongue different from the english one, often I make mistakes)
Oh this is the other difference from before. I will write in english. One reason is because I actually prefer it over my native language. The second it's that I will improve my writing skills and of course by using it I won't unlearn what I know. Oh, and third, I'll have the chance to get a bigger audience! :P

So as said, here I am.
Can't tell how long I'll keep this going, neither how often I'll update.
So far, with the job I'm into right now, I guess I'll have plenty of time to write stuff, even more than is really needed (wait, do someone actually need this stuff from me??? WHATEVER XDDD) but since I don't know if my contract will last over february 22nd I just have to wait and see what future holds for me.

So far, from my lair, it's all.
Thanks for the attention
TanCrow